WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
This 4th of July, please remember…
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: