8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
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Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
yea so i messed up lol
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.