my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one