Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
*puts words between two asterisks*
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you