isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Smooooooth
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.