Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”