baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”