Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.