Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day