First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…