[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Siri: Retweet me.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today