“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?