When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
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Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.