When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
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“A little help here, Danny?”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
This meeting could have been a cake
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
😅🤣😂