Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them