*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.