my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…