Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
very niche meme I made
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*