[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
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richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Möther may I have a snäck
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China