Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
the battle rages on
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
What kind of a cult is this?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.