Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
hear me out : pockets for your socks
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
This is why I hate group projects
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.