Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Love is in the air fryer.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist