I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Story of my life…..
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.