Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.