Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
#ParentingFacts
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat