you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.