*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
This is a whole mood;
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.