As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles