*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
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interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.