*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
When he asks for feet pics
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?