the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
B
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.