Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Uh oh…
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.