I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!