next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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I’m confused about plants
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
how many bears make up a bear minimum
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication