It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.