I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Nice try, NASA
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.