Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*