You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth