Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Milk Cube
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.