Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet