wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
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[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.