My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
this has to be peak English
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.