Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Leaving the Barbers like
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough