<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Noah was an idiot.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.