I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Same pineapple, same
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.