Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.