I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Wikigenius
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs