If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?