[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
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Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Had to try this trend 😊
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.