Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
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Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch